One of my good friends' mutual friend befriended me on Facebook about two years ago.
He thought I was beautiful and wanted to carry a conversation with me. I thought he was cute but didn't really care to entertain him; plus I was in an on and off relationship. Still, we exchanged numbers and texted. It wasn't deep but it helped pass the time. During the time his college was 4 hours from mine. I had no intentions on ever seeing him and just wanted to keep him at a distance.
Later, something happened that made me lose interest so I left it alone. He would hit me up once in a blue, but for the most part I left it alone. Last summer his father died so he moved back in with his mom to help her out. I hit him up to give my condolences and to let him know that I was here. People always say I'm here when someone dies, but I really meant it because I lost my father a few years ago. Anyways our conversations picked up again. I had just gotten out of my 4 year on and off again relationship and wasn't looking for anything. I expressed that very firmly. The more we talked the deeper it got and of course I caught feelings. I fought it and gave my all not to give in but his words got me.
I’d like to think I'm a very strong woman, but I put my guard down. He said he was willing to be just my friend until I was ready. I never felt like I would be ready. The timing wasn't good. In 6 months I'm leaving to spend 2 ½ years teaching sick kids in Africa. But, again, I was just passing time. Soon our text messages turned into 4-5 hour phone calls almost every night. He made me laugh harder than anyone and we had so much in common. He told his family and friends about me and he was always on my mind. I even took a 2 ½ hour drive to see him one day.
The chemistry was too real. I couldn't deny it. I never slept with him, but it did get hot and heavy. (I told him I had a three month rule). Any way, he was supposed to come spend the weekend with me later on that month. I went out and bought all of this food because I love to cook. I was so excited to see him. He told me he would be at my house at 9 that night, only 9 came and went. Around 10:30 I got a text message saying that he couldn't make it because of the drive and not having gas money. WTF!? I was pissed. I didn't even get a phone call! He ended up calling me later, but I was too upset to pick up. We talked about it two days later and I let him know why I was disappointed. I wanted to believe in him. We all make mistakes so I let it go.
At a later time I had some errands to run in his home town so I took that 2 ½ hour drive again and we had planned to meet up. To make a long story short he ended up flaking again. First time shame on you, the second time shame on me. And, with me there is no third time. It's been two months and since then I've deleted his number and he's called once and texted once. No apology or voicemail. I didn't fall in love with him, but I liked him enough to put my guard down.
Who spends 5 hours on the phone everyday with someone if they don't care about you!? Why waste your time and introduce me to your sister and tell your family about me if you had intentions on being an a**? Am I crazy? Did I do something wrong? I'm a 2-year old college graduate with 3 jobs (the epitome of Miss Independent). I'm strong, beautiful, and very intelligent, but how could I be so dumb? How did the perfect guy end up being a wolf in sheep's clothing? – Confused About His Behavior
Dear Ms. Confused About His Behavior,
Welp! Lesson learned. Don't fret over it. Don't get your panties into a bunch. And, definitely don't let it consume you. He showed you his a** and thank the lord you didn't bend over to kiss it.
Who knows why he did what he did. There are lots of reasons. And, only he knows why. But, I wouldn't let it bother me because you didn't lose out on anything. You didn't have sex with him. Thank goodness. And, the only thing you invested in was hours of conversation of your time. Please thank your lucky stars that you did not invest any large amount of money, resources, or sexual liaisons with him. Then you would be even angrier.
But, let's look at a few clues that lead to his silly and immature behaviors. 1.) You are not the first, nor will be the last girl he finds cute or beautiful on Facebook and want to have conversation with. Girl, most men peruse Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram stalking women's profiles. All of these online sites make it easy for men (especially sexual predators) to have free access to your life. All the photos of that you post, and what you're doing, and who you're hanging with provides many men with insights into your psyche. And, the games begin. They are hunting for p***y. They make these elaborate schemes of playing on women's emotions and feelings hoping one of them will be easy enough to get into his bed, and he can lay claim he blew your back out. And, you ladies make it easy for them because you put all your business out there. All a man has to do is read your status updates, read your timelines, and voila, you've given him insights to your life and world. SMDH! Y'all gon' learn tuhday!
2.) Notice that in the beginning that he was keeping it light and easy. Just as you were. Any man who is really and genuinely interested in a woman will make every attempt in getting to know her. He will not only text, but call, SKYPE, and make attempts on visiting you. His conversation is not primarily on sex, and when you're going to let him hit. He's really interested in you, and getting to know you. But, men are good at deception. They will play your game, however, once you laid the 3-month rule on him, he hit the ground running. He thought you would be an easy lay. And, when you didn't put out, he lost interest. You should be so lucky, and glad you stuck to your guns. Don't every compromise yourself for a one-night stand.
3.) Don't ever. EVER! EVER! Make the first move by driving to a man's house and he's made no attempts to come see you. The thirst is heavy and strong if you drive to a man's house first. If you go to his home first, and you drive long distances, or fly across country, uhm, he feels and thinks that he's going to get some. He thinks you're going to spread your legs for him because only a woman who is vulnerable, weak, and d**k hungry will drive or fly to go see a man first. Ladies, if he's interested in you, and getting to know you, then he has to be the one who makes the first move, and in coming to see you. He has to make the effort in coming to you. And, meet in a mutual public place. Do not go to his house. Do not invite him to yours. I don't care how long you've been texting, or talking on the phone. I don't care how comfortable you may feel. You don't know him as well as you think you do. You're playing with your life inviting strangers into your home.
4.) When his dad died, you became his shoulder to lean on. You became a voice and person to confide in. When people lose a loved one, especially a parent, they become vulnerable. They want someone they can talk to and someone they feel they connect with. And, what comes next with someone who is vulnerable, SEX! Their guard is down. They want to feel wanted. They want to be comforted. And, sex is an easy and accessible way inside their lives. He wanted sex. He wanted you to really show you cared for him by laying with him. And, you were like, "Oh, no ma'am. I'm not an easy chick. And, that you weren't cheap." Once you didn't give up the goods, he became disinterested. You were not worth the investment in getting to know further. Again, be glad he walked out of your life. Be thankful that he showed you who he really was.
5.) The first time he flaked when he was supposed to come see you, and by 9pm when he didn't arrive, and you didn't get a text from him until 10:30pm with him saying he wasn't coming because he didn't have any gas money, that let's me know that he had no intention on coming at all. Why wait an 1 ½ later to text. He didn't even call. He texted you. Girl, puhlease. He doesn't deserve any more conversation after that. Yeah, he may have really wanted to come, but he had the entire day to come up on some gas money for the drive to your house. But, I don't buy it. A man who is interested in any woman will find the means and ways to get to the woman he wants to be with. Trust me! Then, you give him another opportunity when you had to go to his city and he flaked again. Girl, no! NO! NO! NO! NO! (In my Destiny's Child voice).
Lastly, when you revealed to him that you were going to South Africa for 2 ½ years, and on top of that, you have a 3-month rule before having sex, and you leave in six months, chile, ain't nobody got time for that! He wanted to hit it before you left, and keep it moving. He isn't nor wasn't invested in anything longer with you. And, you shouldn't be thinking of anything long-term either. You're not going to be here. So, why invest in something with someone and you're going to be gone for 2 ½ years? That doesn't make any sense.
Look, this is a lesson learned. He's not worth your time, presence, or friendship. Delete him as you've already done from all your social media sites, and keep his number deleted. As a matter of fact, put DNA (Do Not Answer) next to his number so that way when he calls or texts again, you'll know better than to answer. Also, you're young. You're leaving to go to South Africa for 2 ½ years to make a difference in other's lives. That should be your focus. You don't have time for a relationship with some lowlife bum with childish games. Girl, go be your greatness, and commit yourself to the power and inspiration that you are. You're going to do great things in this world, and you need a great man beside you. Hell, you may find a prince or king while in South Africa. – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!